i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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