just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
