i already hear my dad disowning me
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
