So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
