If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
