Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
