God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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