I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
