i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Randomize
