Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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