my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
