i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
