and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
