The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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