Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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