I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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