I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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