saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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