I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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