just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
