Are we in a gay sports bar?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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