how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
