Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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