she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
