my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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