just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
