Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
