I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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