She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
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