3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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