You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
