i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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