A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
