just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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