Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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