I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
