i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
