No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
