I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
