They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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