doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
