I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
