I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
