Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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