i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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