Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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