I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
