Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
