Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
