You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
