Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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