I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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